it matters...
by: danielle
I had an anxiety attack and I guess it's triggered by the mental stress I had. I cannot sleep, my brain is so active that it kept on thinking about random thoughts (negative thoughts). It's either my past mistakes/regrets that are haunting me, or how scared I am because future is so unpredictable.
Past memories made me feel like it is happening in the present time. The pain feels fresh and I don't know how to explain it to anybody or if somebody would understand. All those endless "what ifs" & "I could've done this..done that" left me wondering of what could've happened if I had different choices.
Why does future scares me? Because I don't know if the future that I am planning is what's gonna happen or maybe something worst. I'm scared that my decisions would cause disappointment to everyone around me & myself.
I can't help to see all the negative in me that I even forgot if I have any positive traits at all, that I am completely a terrible person. And the thought of the people I call friends or family might end up leaving me or hating me.
The thoughts about the people who just stopped talking to me and ask myself, "what did I do wrong? what's the problem with me?". I kept on blaming myself with the things that did not end well.
All of my insecurities from when I was a kid up to now made me compare my life to others.
“How can they be successful with their career/business?”
“Am I a loser for my baking business isn’t a boom?”
“What if I’m smarter and prettier?”
“What if I am as confident as them?”
“How I wish I’m richer so I can do anything I want.”
“I wish I am as friendly as other people”
“I wish I know how I can express myself very well”
“Am I going to be a great chef someday?” etc.
These are some of the questions I asked & it made me doubt myself even more and on how I've become a failure or a disappointment overpowered my mind as I stare at the ceiling, crying & the next thing I know, the sun's rising and it's 7 in the morning already. I feel miserable for what, 5? 6 hours? God knows how long.
And as I look out the window & witness another day starting made me fear of what're going to happen for that day. I had a fear of not having enough strength to show other people that I am totally fine, I had a fear of being mean because my mood swings quickly… and a fear of failing.
I woke up after 5 hours of sleep and waking up with the same thoughts and a heavy heart. I wanted to attend church but my body just want to stay in the room, just lay in bed and I don't care if I don't eat or drink for the day. I tried to fight the thought of not going but time flies quickly that I'd be late so I'd rather not to.
I was so irritable, impatient, over-sensitive and moody. I got offended easily and pissed off with whatever's Carlo is saying or doing. He asked what's wrong & I cannot help myself but break down in front of him. I cried and wanted to stop but I can't, I didn't know how. I asked him if we could catch the last full show of any movie and have some ice cream because it'll be a big help for me get occupied (it actually did).
I wanted to open up to people who I trusted the most, but I am afraid because they might think that what I am feeling/thinking isn't a big deal & doesn't matter at all. Maybe, because they just see me as a strong and cheerful person and that I can handle anything. It's really not my thing to show them that I am hurting or having a hard time and it is very rare for them seeing me cry. I don't know, maybe because I don't want them to worry about me? Or I don’t feel comfortable with showing people my weaknesses.
I wrote a draft of this article on a Monday morning while waiting for my shift at work and having my coffee to boost my mood while listening to Hillsong music. It really feels good to let go of the negative through writing.
You know, having God doesn't really mean that you will not go through hell in this world especially that there's so much toxicity happening around us. But He is definitely a big help. Amidst all the negative & hurtful thoughts/feelings, I cried for His help and comfort and He did by reminding me how much He loves me even if I am imperfect, broken and unworthy.
While having the thought of dying (hurting or taking my life) just to end this temporary pain and wondered if these are the thoughts of those who're committing suicide, God spoke to me and told me "No, it's a sin and it will break my heart. It isn't the solution and if your plans fail, My plans will always prevail." He’s reminded me that He will never leave me and that it's okay to fail because it is a part of growing up & you'll learn from it.
He also reminded me not to get insecure because He fearfully & wonderfully created me and we all have different time pace in life and I shouldn't hurry, His timeline’s perfect. He knows if we’re ready or not. Once again, He reminded me of my worth and His perfect love.
It took me so much courage to write and share this because it’s way too dramatic. I feel kind of embarrassed that there are people who’re going to make fun of me. But never mind this is my blog LOL.
I have thought of things that might help me take good care of my mental & emotional health, and I've thought of maybe lessen the use of social media because it triggers my insecurities most of the time. Appreciate the nature, maybe spend more time at the park or in the beach. Start having a healthy lifestyle (I'll try LOL), read some books, spend more time with God and sing more, maybe? LOL, just to prevent myself from being idle. Accept the fact that we cannot please everybody no matter how hard we try. There will always be people who will hate us with whatever their reasons are. Don't give a damn with their opinion, although we should still be aware because their criticism might be true LOL and importantly, try my very best to be more calm and gentle (this is so not me hahaha)
It's true, mental & emotional health really matters. Don't be scared to at least open up to one person you really trust with what you're going through. It's difficult to keep it all to yourself. Sometimes, it's okay to accept the fact that you're not okay & you cannot handle everything on your own because time will come that you'll get drained and wanted to give everything up. Be strong, just keep on fighting. If you fail, get up and start again. Failures will always be there, and trust me it is the best teacher, take it as an opportunity to learn & grow and then you'll be surprised you did it! You conquered that failure. Cry if you need to. Pray.
Remember, we're just humans.
(October 2019)